Over 40

The phrase Life begins at 40 was coined by American psychologist Walter Pitkin in his 1932 book where he confidently stated ‘Life begins at forty. This is the revolutionary outcome of our New Era. Today it is a half truth. Tomorrow it will be an axiom’. It goes without saying; he was definitely onto something not only in the terms of how we generally now view or lifecycles, but also how our dating habits have and are still changing.

Dating over 40 is not only considered a norm in society but is also arguably the best time to date! Most of us have played the dating game and this should not be taken as a disadvantage but the very opposite – We know what we want and we won’t settle for anything less. Saying this our potential dating partners are in exactly the same boat and therefore there is already a line of trust, openness and honesty that suggests we won’t be wasting time in the wrong relationships. We have that advantage – so why not use it!

A First Date Is No Time For Interrogation

This advice is for both men and women. When dating someone, for the first few dates remember that this is a time to get to see someone in a positive light, and not to take a torch into the most private recesses of each other’s lives. On the first few dates there will be subjects that your partner simply does not want to talk about because that person does not know you very well. She/he does not know if you can keep confidences or even if they want to confide in you. Insisting on talking about sensitive subjects may bring up unpleasant memories and cause her or him to experience pain. They may be subjects that this person is trying to leave behind or are simply no one else’s business.

This is no time to keep pressing the issue. For example, if your date does not want to talk about an ex and a painful divorce, and you will not accept that request for privacy and keep asking questions about the issue, your date will eventually get angry or resentful and will relive the unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings that you evoked. The unpleasant feeling will then be associated with you, and the potential for a romance or even a friendship is shot because your date thinks that you are a person who likes to pry. This is especially true if your questions are rapid fire and turn an evening that was supposed to be an enjoyable experience into an interrogation. Also, do not try a new approach to fact-finding by saying, “well the subject doesn’t bother me,” and then continue to act as if your date should play therapist. That kind of thinking is courting disaster as well.

Trust our expertise here and realize that when your date says she/he does not want to talk about something; that is when it is time to exercise respect and diplomacy and change the subject. It takes courage to be open enough to say, “I don’t want to talk about that.” When such a comment (or one like it) is said, stop, focus on the place where you are right at that moment, and enjoy the rest of the evening. If you keep pressing and pressuring your date for more information only the desperate, twisted, or truly disturbed will stick around for more evenings with you.

To recap – When on a first date:

  • Do stay away from private subjects, especially previous relationships or other dating partners
  • Do change the subject if your date makes the request
  • Do concentrate on the experience at hand and try to stay in the moment
  • Do not interrogate your date about anything
  • Do not expect your date to play therapist

Again remember that you cannot go back to the beginning of any relationship and re-do a botched romance. Respect all personal boundaries regarding conversational connections. If your date looks like he/she is uncomfortable about a certain subject, or expresses discomfort in any way, let it go. The chances are that you have much in common with your date. Enjoy making a memory of the moment at hand, and above all – have fun! Elite Introductions & Matchmaking, LLC

For Women: Post Divorce Dating Blunders

It is surprising how many smart, attractive, and accomplished women who are socially savvy and still make dating blunders when on the first few dates of a potential relationship. Try, try, try to avoid these tops.

1. Your Ex – Do not bring up past mistreatment or that you did not stand up for yourself in your late marriage. The first dates are for showing your true self and inner strength, not to start a pity party that takes the attention from you and the man you’re with. Likewise, don’t put up with this from your date.

2. Your Kids – You love them and they are the center of your world, but the man you’re with is thinking that he might want to be in that spot. Focus on the moment and the company you are keeping. There will be time enough to talk about little Johnny’s food allergies later on down the road. For now, concentrate on the game at hand.
3. Your Job – If you love your job that’s great. Mention it briefly. If you dislike your job, think of how your date will see you if you start carping about how much you hate your job, your boss, or working conditions. You will not be seen in a good light, and that is what the first few dates are about.

4. Your Money – Keep your financial accomplishments or shortcomings to yourself when you are dating a man for the first time. Men who think of themselves as providers may be turned off by the fact that you don’t need any assistance from him, and men who are well-off might think you are looking to be rescued if you complain about financial lack. Also, men who are out to be “kept” may zero in on a situation that can be exploited. So mum’s the word until you understand each other’s motives.

5. Your Sexual Escapades – This is inappropriate on the first date. Unless you want to have sex with the man you are dating for the first time, do not bring up sex. Many men are uncomfortable about hearing about a woman’s list of lovers, so keep that information to yourself and concentrate on making the best first impression possible. Any man who is middle aged will understand that you have a sexual history, but keep it private until you have a closer relationship.

As a rule of thumb, ask yourself these questions before you start talking about a subject:

  • Will this subject keep the focus of the date on the two of us at this time?
  • Will this subject make a good impression of me?
  • Will this subject create tension or make the date go more smoothly?
  • Will this subject disclose too much information about me?

Understand also that there is no necessity to stick to a subject that a man wants to talk about if you are uncomfortable with that subject. Just tell him that you’d rather talk about it another time.

Brainstorming Your Relationship Expectations? by Elisabeth Dabbelt

Brainstorming Your Relationship Expectations

Take a moment and brainstorm on paper for a little bit; ten or fifteen minutes should do the trick nicely. Close your eyes and picture your ideal mate: what talents, qualities, personality traits, experiences and emotional capabilities do you want him or her to have? Don’t censor yourself, and let your mind wander to wherever it goes. If you’re having a hard time coming up with some ideas, think about your past relationships and use their positive aspects as your starting guide.

Next, write the number one next to all of the items you wrote that you feel are essential to your happiness, and a two next to the items that would be nice, but not necessary.

Ranking Your Relationship Expectations

Take all of the items marked with the number one, and list them in your own order of importance on a seperate sheet of paper. If this is hard (and for most people it is!) write each item on a small separate sticky note. Then, place each item in order of most important to least important on a wall or other large surface, and move the sticky notes around until you feel you’ve found the right combination.

Look at your top five items. These are the expectations you have for a quality relationship that you should never compromise on. Therefore, if you meet someone who you are extremely attracted to, but doesn’t have all five of the items you’ve listed on your must-have list – it’s time to move on.

Evolution is Necessary When it Comes to Relationship Expectations

Finally, realize that your relationship expectations will change and evolve over time. Don’t be scared to review your list and go through this exercise after every breakup as part of your preparations to date again or anytime you feel your relationship needs have changed. or anytime you feel your relationship needs have changed. Love is out there and here are some tips for finding love, romance, happiness and possibly marriage. 

Still Looking For Mrs. or Mr. Right- Know When your Relationship Expectations Are Not Realistic

Been looking for Mrs. or Mr. Right, we all have a fantasy ideal in mind: tall, dark and handsome, a movie star body with a Pulitzer Prize winner’s brain or another variation that suits you perfectly.

There’s nothing wrong with these kinds of pedestals, either. Fantasizing about your dream mate will only help you to discover more of what you want and need in a relationship. But where do you draw the line between fantasy and reality? When do you know your relationship expectations aren’t realistic?

Your relationship expectations may be unreasonable if…

  • You have specific requirements regarding your potential mate’s height, weight, and/or appearance that aren’t negotiable under any circumstances;
  • You refuse to date anyone unless they make a certain amount of money;
  • You won’t date someone who lives further than a quick drive away;
  • Anyone without similar interests as you is out of the question; and/or
  • You require a person to trust you and open up to you immediately.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS ARE PROBABLY REASONABLE IF…

  • A spark of some sorts is required, whether it’s mental, physical or emotional;
  • You want someone who finds you amusing, adorable, and/or exciting;
  • You are holding out for someone whose basic views on the world are similar, but not necessarily identical to yours; and/or
  • Someone with the same willingness to be in a relationship and with similar long-term dating goals, whether that’s for casual dating, cohabitation or a committed marriage.

So what are you to do if you don’t know what your expectations for a relationship are – or worse – some of your expectations fall into the no-no category? Call me, Elisabeth, at (407) 671-8300 or visithttps://orlandosingleprofessional.com.