He Needs to Solve His Problems Alone

Most men are conquerors and most women are venters. We just solve problems differently. For example, you tell your guy about your horrible experience at work. You want him to comfort and console you; instead he gives you logical facts about how to solve the problem. You feel cheated. You want to share your feelings about the day and all he wanted to do was fix the problem.

Men like to offer solutions. Most men are not concerned about being in touch with their feelings when there’s a conflict. You want to feel understood; he wants to make the problem go away. He can’t relate to how you are feeling, so he does what he knows best, helps you to plan a solution.

Over 40

The phrase Life begins at 40 was coined by American psychologist Walter Pitkin in his 1932 book where he confidently stated ‘Life begins at forty. This is the revolutionary outcome of our New Era. Today it is a half truth. Tomorrow it will be an axiom’. It goes without saying; he was definitely onto something not only in the terms of how we generally now view or lifecycles, but also how our dating habits have and are still changing.

Dating over 40 is not only considered a norm in society but is also arguably the best time to date! Most of us have played the dating game and this should not be taken as a disadvantage but the very opposite – We know what we want and we won’t settle for anything less. Saying this our potential dating partners are in exactly the same boat and therefore there is already a line of trust, openness and honesty that suggests we won’t be wasting time in the wrong relationships. We have that advantage – so why not use it!

Dating: Rules of Civility

We are living in a time when civility, diplomacy, and discretion are at an all time low. The fact is that the finer part of our natures wants to get along with others, and it is extremely important to be able to spend time with those whose opinions we do not share. This is especially true when it comes to dating and establishing new romantic or platonic friendships.

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People who are dating are those who have chosen to pursue new relationships. The process of dating gives individuals a chance to practice social skills that may or may not be used in everyday life, but should certainly be cultivated for social interaction. In other words, dating is good practice for making friends and for moving comfortably through the world. This includes knowing when certain subjects and behaviors are taboo or inappropriate for a social setting.

It is generally agreed that there are taboo subjects for the first three dates: ex-spouses (girl/boyfriends, lovers, etc.), politics, religion, finances (money in general), sex, and death. With ex’s, money and politics leading the pack, these subjects are taboo because they take the focus away from two people getting to know each other and place the spotlight on other people, places, and things. These subjects have the power to terminate a potential relationship before it starts because they remove the people present away from the moment.

Picture yourself getting all dressed up and excited about going to a lovely restaurant with someone who is new and potentially interested in you as a partner or friend. The stage is set for a wonderful evening. Now ask yourself these questions:
Who wants to hear about an evil ex or “irreplaceable” spouse who died of an insidious fatal disease?
Who wants to be bludgeoned by questions about political issues when the discussion will end in either an alienating argument or a heated agreement about something other than the people having dinner?
Who wants to hear about how much money someone makes or used to make before he/she was laid off, got divorced, lost all his/her money to his/her gambling (or any other kind of) addiction?
Who wants to be insulted for his/her own beliefs and hear about how a date is morally superior to others because of his/her devout beliefs.

The answer to these questions is NO ONE! That’s who.

In such a scenario, you are encouraged to talk about other subjects and enjoy the moment, the atmosphere, the dining experience, the wine, the music being played by the pianist in the lounge. Appropriate subjects are: travel, music, movies, history, hobbies, professions, art, literature, the animal kingdom, sports, how attractive your date looks, humor, theatre. The list is endless.

Believe it or not, if you can overcome defensiveness regarding avoidance of taboo subjects, there is still a world of things to discuss and a delightful memory to be made from an enjoyable evening with someone special.

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A First Date Is No Time For Interrogation

This advice is for both men and women. When dating someone, for the first few dates remember that this is a time to get to see someone in a positive light, and not to take a torch into the most private recesses of each other’s lives. On the first few dates there will be subjects that your partner simply does not want to talk about because that person does not know you very well. She/he does not know if you can keep confidences or even if they want to confide in you. Insisting on talking about sensitive subjects may bring up unpleasant memories and cause her or him to experience pain. They may be subjects that this person is trying to leave behind or are simply no one else’s business.

This is no time to keep pressing the issue. For example, if your date does not want to talk about an ex and a painful divorce, and you will not accept that request for privacy and keep asking questions about the issue, your date will eventually get angry or resentful and will relive the unpleasant and uncomfortable feelings that you evoked. The unpleasant feeling will then be associated with you, and the potential for a romance or even a friendship is shot because your date thinks that you are a person who likes to pry. This is especially true if your questions are rapid fire and turn an evening that was supposed to be an enjoyable experience into an interrogation. Also, do not try a new approach to fact-finding by saying, “well the subject doesn’t bother me,” and then continue to act as if your date should play therapist. That kind of thinking is courting disaster as well.

Trust our expertise here and realize that when your date says she/he does not want to talk about something; that is when it is time to exercise respect and diplomacy and change the subject. It takes courage to be open enough to say, “I don’t want to talk about that.” When such a comment (or one like it) is said, stop, focus on the place where you are right at that moment, and enjoy the rest of the evening. If you keep pressing and pressuring your date for more information only the desperate, twisted, or truly disturbed will stick around for more evenings with you.

To recap – When on a first date:

  • Do stay away from private subjects, especially previous relationships or other dating partners
  • Do change the subject if your date makes the request
  • Do concentrate on the experience at hand and try to stay in the moment
  • Do not interrogate your date about anything
  • Do not expect your date to play therapist

Again remember that you cannot go back to the beginning of any relationship and re-do a botched romance. Respect all personal boundaries regarding conversational connections. If your date looks like he/she is uncomfortable about a certain subject, or expresses discomfort in any way, let it go. The chances are that you have much in common with your date. Enjoy making a memory of the moment at hand, and above all – have fun! Elite Introductions & Matchmaking, LLC

Dating & Religion

Before we start, understand that this article is about any religion and pertains to any combination of people on the dating scene.

Of all the subjects that can set fire to otherwise pleasant evening, religion is perhaps the most incendiary. Therefore, understand that personal belief systems in terms of religion are a taboo subject for polite conversation when on the first few dates with someone.

If you have ever studied history, you must realize that many, many wars and untold sufferings have plagued the world because of this very subject. Prejudices from every angle of the human philosophical spectrum are causing difficulties throughout the world even as this article is being written. Do not bring this kind of conflict into a first date with someone.

The reason the subject of religion is taboo for polite dating conversation is very clear. At best, the subject of religion takes precedence over all other subjects at hand and takes the focus away from the two people involved in the date. That focus is necessary for the two parties to understand and nurture each other’s individual personalities.

The purpose of dating is not to create a venue to debate about opposing religious beliefs or get into an argument about the subtle nuances of a shared religious path. The object of dating is for you to have a fun and enjoyable time, get to know someone as an individual person, and perhaps cultivate a partnership or friendship.

Some religious leaders (clergy) require that their members ask certain questions before a date begins and if that is the case with you then ask the questions. Do not press for the answers you want, judge your date, or abruptly end the evening if you have asked questions and do not like the answers. You were attracted to the person before he/she was asked these questions, and you would be an unfortunate person if you were unable to spend an evening with someone whose religion or philosophical path did not match your own. This is not a marriage, it is a date.

If you are of a belief system that demands a religiously matched partner, and you are with someone of the same faith, then you should still avoid the subject of religion because there are differing ways of approaching the same religion. You do not want the dating experience to become a contest as to who is the more devout.

Whether with someone of an opposing religious path from your own, or with someone of the same faith, concentrate the focus of your date on learning about the person you are with. It is important to really get to know each other to share commonalities such as humor, or the enjoyment of a certain genre of literature, film, or travel styles.

One thing that all religions have in common is the ideals of goodness and kindness in the path of humanity. If you apply those values to dating and focus on the person you are with, that goodness will be reflected in a fun time and an enjoyable evening.